Fighting back

Written in 2003

My life is one big fight, a never ending battle - not only with myself, but also with those who seek to hold me down and prevent me from becoming stronger. I'm not referring to those who committed the abuse, I've already beaten them by still being alive; the people I'm referring to are the doctors, the lawyers, and everyone else who tried to make me believe I would never get to where I am today, nevermind where I'm still heading.

The battle has evolved so I'm fighting different things, but it is still just as much of a battle. Simply getting out of bed every morning used to be a major struggle for me - now I'm getting up early every morning, having a bath and doing resistance training, or web design sometimes, before getting my son into school on time. Opening the front door used to be terrifying, nevermind actually going out through it - now I open the door and walk, or cycle, for miles without giving it a second thought. The thought of having to depend on myself for money through paid employment used to make me panic - now I am actively working towards being financially (and emotionally) independent. I am unrecognisably different from the person I used to be - I have become a person who the 'experts' tried to convince me did not exist.

The following information is copied directly from the psychiatric report which was prepared for my compensation hearing, the interview this report was compiled from took place on February 9th 2000 and took two and a half hours.

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"Allie described being continuously anxious and unsure about her personal security such that she has been unable to go out by herself for many years. She describes suffering from high levels of anxiety, such as if somebody knocks at the door her heart races and she immediately feels afraid. If she is alone, she will not answer the door."

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"Allie has to constantly battle against thoughts of wanting to hurt herself by cutting or some other means. She feels continuously afraid to the extent of only feeling comfortable if she is wearing boots and trousers so that she knows that if she has to, she can run away."

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"Her speech was open and without hesitation. She gave the impression of giving honest replies to questions. If anything I gained the impression that Allie had a tendency to play down the severity of episodes of sexual abuse. There was no evidence of a disorder of thought or of bizarre beliefs or other symptoms of psychotic illness."

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"Her mood appeared neutral although she complained of low mood. There was no abnormality of perception or cognition. I did not carry out any formal tests of cognition but gained the impression in conversation that Allie was of above average intelligence."

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"The culmination of all the episodes of abuse has left Allie permanently damaged. She feels continuously anxious such that she has difficulty answering the door or the telephone. She experiences nightmares and flashbacks relating to abusive experiences on a regular and frequent basis. She is unable to enjoy a normal social life. She is unable to go out to work. Although some of these symptoms may diminish over time I feel that such changes are likely to be only marginal. I would not expect great improvement in the future, either with or without treatment."

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"As is common with many victims of childhood sexual abuse Allie suffers from a complex mix of difficulties that do not fit easily into a diagnostic system. I believe that the nightmares, the flashbacks and much of the anxiety are best ascribed to a chronic post-traumatic stress disorder DSM IV 309.81. Such a diagnosis does not however do justice to her persistant low self-esteem and her inability to function in everyday life."

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"Allie would benefit from a consistent period of treatment with a cognitive behavioural therapist. Such treatment in unlikely to be available on the NHS. The exact length and intensity of treatment would depend upon the particular therapist concerned, but I would suggest that a weekly session for 3 months followed by fortnightly sessions for 12 months would not be at all excessive. As indicated above such treatment is not likely to be curative but might ameliorate some of her symptoms. She would probably benefit from a long term less intensive theraputic relationship on an almost indefinite basis."

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When people keep telling you the same thing over and over again, after a while you start to believe them - it is after all a mild form of brainwashing. If I'd listened to all the so-called experts, like the one who wrote this report, I would have given up and died years ago. For quite some time I did believe them, I accepted that I would never experience a 'normal' life so didn't even try to change things for the better. I'd been dealt a bad hand, but didn't believe in myself enough to realise it could be changed. The very people who should have been encouraging me to believe in myself, were actually the ones stopping me from doing so. Aren't these people supposed to help? How was trying to convince me I was terminally damned supposed to help me?

I am not the same person I used to be. Not only do I look very different physically, but I think and behave differently too. I used to sit and do nothing all day, too scared to leave the house yet doing nothing inside it because I was too depressed and lethargic to do anything. My curtains were always closed to keep the outside world away from me. It's all so different now. My curtains are very rarely closed - I like daylight, lack of daylight leads to depression. I find sitting down and doing nothing extremely uncomfortable, my TV must be feeling redundant these days. The housework still doesn't always get done, but now it's because there simply aren't enough hours in the day for all that I want to do.