December 29th 2011

I'm sitting here watching Heidi on BBC iPlayer, there's an older film and there was also a TV series when I was a child. As I watch I am remembering how much I would have loved to have been her; to have been sent away to live with an previously unknown relative who would keep me safe and look after me. I used to wish I was adopted, or that someone would suddenly realise there had been a massive mix up at the hospital and come get me and take me to my real family... but these fantasies were destroyed along with the bulk of my creativity after I was told so many times to stop imagining things when I tried alerting people to what was happening to me.

December 26th 2011

Soon be time to create a page for 2012, this year has gone by so quickly... maybe time really is speeding up like some say it is.

Don't know why I started this update, can't reall think of anything to say...

I got some books yesterday as presents, they're recommended reading for my course. Yesterday afternoon I started reading "Dibs in search of self" and, apart from taking breaks to eat and sleep, read it straight through - it's really interesting and is a true story. Well worth a read. I'm partway through John Bradshaw's Homecoming which isn't such smooth reading but, again, worth a read - only if you are ready to face up to and deal with childhood issues though.

Right, I'm off to rinse the bright red dye from my hair and get ready for a night out... !

December 21st 2011

So... it's Christmas. Yes, Christmas... and I'm coping. Actually, I'm coping much better than I usually do, in fact I've actually been buying presents this year - very different, for me! The pain over not being with my son is manageable, his birthday notice for Jan 5th 2012 has been placed so I can "forget" about it for another year.

Also different for me... as I learn more about people, psychotherapy, how the brain works, and myself... I'm starting to see the some of the people who hurt me in a different light - at one time, not very long ago, they were simply nasty aggressors; now I'm starting to see that they too are victims, that they too have been damaged. With this realisation / acceptance, it feels as if my healing / development has stepped up a gear.

My workout routine is once again consistent and I'm feeling the benefits; I'm focusing most on what really matters to me in the here and now. Past is past and the future will work out when the here and now is what I want it to be.

December 16th 2011

A few months ago I bought a rather beaten and battered statue of Bast from the Cats Protection spring fayre. I have now manager to restore her to her natural beauty, no more bumps and bruises for this Goddess -

December 8th 2011

Well I did it again...

It still needs a little work but after 2.5 hours both my tattooist and I had had enough so the final touches will be done in Jan when I go for my next one... :-) He's done a really good job of blending it in with my shoulder and upper arm, but then Paul always does do a good job :-)

Still coffee free, it is definitely easier when I'm not at work.

December 7th 2011

Today is a week since I last had coffee... I'm doing OK, it's not too bad really. Much easier when I'm not at work... giving up smoking was easy, so was stopping drinking alcohol - why is caffeine such an issue for me?

Last Weds I came down with a really nasty stomach bug, typically my last day of drinking coffee and I wasn't able to enjoy the final soy milk latte I bought on my lunch break and didn't even attempt the cup I had planned to have after work. I spent most of Thurs & Fri in bed feeling awful but was lots better by Saturday. It felt like I'd wasted my two extra days off work but I would much rather have been ill in bed than ill at work.

Tomorrow and Fri I'm off work again... booked in with my tattooist tomorrow :-)

November 29th 2011

So... tomorrow is my last day of drinking coffee - time for a detox. It's gonna be nasty I know, just a few hours without a coffee on Sunday and I was feeling the effects. I don't do addictions so the caffiene has gotta go! I've got Thurs and Fri this week off work so will have four days to detox, hopefully be fine to drive by Sunday as I have things to do - cannot drive during detox as my head goes really fuzzy. I'm kinda looking forward to it while dreading it...

November 26th 2011

Last night I put blonde highlights in my hair then went over it with bright red dye. The result is below -

After I did it, I decided I loved the way the highlighted bits had come out, but wasn't too keen on the bits that were still my natural colour... so, today I bought some hair lightener and more dye. Trouble was, the shop didn't have any of the red I wanted and I wasn't sure if there was enough left to do my whole head. So... I went for a two tone look and love it!

Very colourful eh? Seems I may be having another go at my teenage years...

I've also just upgraded my phone and got one of these...

It's very different to the Nokia's I've been used to for the last few years but I'm adaptable and am starting to really like it. It doesn't feel very resilient though, so I got a bright pink rubber case to cushion it a bit...

November 24th 2011

Tomorrow is dress down day at work; it happens every last Friday of the month as a way of raising money for charity. This time around we've been asked to donate a child's present instead. The presents will be passed to the local hospice / hospital. At first I outright refused to buy a present as I can't buy one for my own son so am sure as heck not buying one for someone else's... but, as usual, I decided to face my demons and do it anyway.

So, yesterday I had a look in the toy section... it was so difficult. I initially opted for a Lego thing but then, as we were about to walk away, a set of cars caught my eye because they were exactly the kind of thing Rhys would have liked when he was still with me. I bought the cars... and I cried. I hope my pain becomes some child's pleasure on Christmas Day this year.

November 19th 2011

Maybe it's time to put my training journal back online... not sure, I'll get around to it. My sandbag has really put the fun back into my workouts so who knows... that said, I'm due for a workout today but haven't eaten properly all day so maybe not such a good idea. Dinner is in the oven now so I'll see how I feel later... it's difficult, very up and down - sometimes I'm ready to take on the world but other times I want to hide myself away. I go from "yes let's do this!" to "yeah I'll do it later" - but, that said, this time of year is always crap for me and each year I cope better than the previous one. The ghosts are losing their hold over me but the constant drone of "christmas is a time for family" and people trying to force me to enjoy it and take part in the commercialist celebration really don't help. Surely participation should be optional and people who don't want to take part shouldn't be made to feel like criminals?

I really am trying because it's always been a special time of year for Ry and I don't want my crap past to spoil the here and now for him, but it's so difficult... I accepted a long time ago, while I was still a child, that I don't get what I want whether at christmas or for my birthday - other people did but I didn't. That had an "amazing" effect on my already set core beliefs of me not mattering and not being important... now I've married into a family that does actually care and does make these times of year special; it's so weird for me!

Anyway, I'm going to go soak in a hot bath before going to bed for some "light" bedtime reading. Today's planned workout isn't getting done but it will be done tomorrow morning.

November 16th 2011

I'm starting to worry about the rising costs (both time wise and financially) of my psychotherapy training... The course itself is paid for, but before I started it no one mentioned anything about having to find a work placement or having to pay for supervision. I genuinely do not have the time to do a placement - week days are not an option due to work, and my weekends are already over-committed... and as for finding the time to go to supervision, and paying for it, it's impossible. Yes it's an investment in myself, but without the money to invest in the first place and without extra hours in the day... *sigh* My poor dogs aren't even getting a morning walk today as I'm just too tired - I honestly cannot fit anything else in to my schedule :-( If I had a job that paid better and allowed me to work less hours it'd fit nicely, but as things are... no chance. I am really enjoying the course and will take it as far as I can take it, not one to give up me, but I'm not feeling as optimistic about the outcome as I was previously.

November 13th 2011

Ahhhh... well it seems I'm getting back into the swing of things now. The dark mornings are still difficult but I'm dealing with them. Something that has helped me a lot is stopping having muesli for breakfast every day, I've also removed every other oat containing product from my diet and the difference really is amazing! It's not a gluten issue at all, I'm fine with wheat gluten, but oats really do make me ill. No more tasty vegan flapjacks for me...*sigh* I've also decided to go back to food combining for fat loss - it's what I did in 2003 when I had loads of weight to lose after the four years on Depo Provera (nasty stuff, don't use it ladies!) and I lost over 60lbs in about eight months. There's masses of evidence supporting food combining, and masses of evidence against it but personally I know it works for me. The really easy way of explaining it is to not eat protein and starches at the same time - fruit & protein for breakfast, then either veg with protein or with starches (bread, potatoes, pasta, etc.) for all other meals; no protein and starches at the same time.

Made the above decision a couple of days ago then today, right after my sandbag workout, I got on my tanita scales for the first time in months... I've gained a pound of muscle which is great, but I've also gained 2% body fat so am not amused. But, easy fixed so no biggie.

Probably should've cleaned the mirror before taking the below pic but hey...

 

November 7th 2011

OK I've been a bit slack updating this page... I've been busy, and tired, and stressed, and demotivated, and not well - all at once it seems!

I was invited to church for a healing service and figured I had nothing to lose as healing is healing, the energies all come from the same place (it's just the religious types who claim otherwise!!). The idea of sitting through a two hour long service was definitely not appealing in any way shape or form, but I have developed an annoying habit of facing up to things I find uncomfortable / frightening so I did it anyway.

The person who invited me (a bishop) knows I'm pagan but claims his god has big plans for me and seems to want to convert me... Well as soon as I saw the words I would be expected to recite in order to get healing, I knew I would not be getting it! Seriously... I went for healing, I did not go to be a hypocrite and I am not declaring my complete devotion to a god I do not believe in! The service itself just reminded me of all the reasons I do not like any organised religion, or any other organisation that tries to dictate to others and rule by fear! When asked if I would be back next week, I stated very clearly that I will never be going there again!

I'd much rather spend time with Satan...

So... what else has been happening...

Well I've been reading... finished this one and now on to this one. Interesting stuff, bound to raise issues but whatever, if they're there they need dealing with so onwards I go.

I haven't been working out much as I've not been feeling great and been short of time too, though turns out a lot of me feeling crap was down to me eating muesli for breakfast every day - oats, I am intolerant of oats! Feel much better without them so will soon be back to regular workouts and of course will have to play with my new sandbag! Seriously, hauling around a bag loaded with 45kgs is serious fun and of course adds to my life mission of becoming stronger - work in progress, always.

So much has happened this year, so many positive changes already... and next year will be better because it's my year...

THE SIGN OF THE DRAGON

http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Dragon.htm

The key to the Dragon personality is that Dragons are the free spirits of the Zodiac. Conformation is a Dragon's curse. Rules and regulations are made for other people. Restrictions blow out the creative spark that is ready to flame into life. Dragons must be free and uninhibited. The Dragon is a beautiful creature, colorful and flamboyant. An extroverted bundle of energy, gifted and utterly irrepressible, everything Dragons do is on a grand scale - big ideas, ornate gestures, extreme ambitions. However, this behavior is natural and isn't meant for show. Because they are confident, fearless in the face of challenge, they are almost inevitably successful. Dragons usually make it to the top. However, Dragon people are aware of their natures. Too much enthusiasm can leave them tired and unfulfilled. Even though they are willing to aid when necessary, their pride can often impede them from accepting the same kind of help from others. Dragons' generous personalities give them the ability to attract friends, but they can be rather solitary people at heart. A Dragon's self-sufficiency can mean that he or she has no need for close bonds with other people.

DRAGON FACTS:

People born in the Year of the Dragon share certain characteristics. The Dragon sign is an abbreviated way of characterizing that individual's personality. Following are features associated with the sign of the Dragon.

Fifth in order, Chinese name-LONG, sign of luck
Hour-7am-8:59 a.m. Month-April
Western Counterpart-Aries

CHARACTERISTICS

Innovative
Enterprising
Flexible
Self-assured
Brave
Passionate
Conceited
Tactless
Scrutinizing
Unanticipated
Quick-tempered

THE FIRE DRAGON 1916 AND 1976 - THIS IS ME!!

The Fire Dragon is a powerful force to be reckoned with. This is a Dragon doubled! The Fire Dragon can move from calm and collected to combustible in a matter of seconds. In some ways the Fire Dragon is his or her own worst enemy. These Dragons cannot help feeling they are valuable and all-knowing. When they are right their vehemence and vigor is an asset to the cause, and though they value objectivity, they do not always employ the best decision-making measures, and sometimes jump to the wrong conclusion. They also suffer from recklessness and quick tempers. Yet, when they do keep their temper, emotions, and rivaling spirit under control, they emanate a commanding influence on other people.

Dunno what else to say now so will finish for now...

October 30th 2011

Well it's nearly Halloween...

Gem has been on my mind a lot in recent weeks, much more than usual. Guess it's the time of year as she was murdered three years ago on the 15th. As much as I try to rationalise what happened and accept that everything happens for a reason, I still don't understand why it had to happen. She was such a lovely person, so full of life and love - I can accept there's a reason why she had to move on, I can accept that her spirit needed to be on the other plain for some reason. Gem knew, whether consciously or not, she was going to have to move on - she had made her will (aged 21 and perfectly healthy) and planned the music for her funeral and had often said she was not going to get old. What I cannot accept or understand is why she had to suffer so much at the end of her short life. She did not deserve what he did to her.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/beds/bucks/herts/8133183.stm

I'm really struggling with the dark mornings at the moment, so tired. Always am at this time of year but it seems this time around. No surprise really, I'm probably pushing myself harder than usual with work, my course, my workouts, and therapy. I've eased off on working out, haven't actually done anything for a couple of weeks, but still feel tired as soon as I wake up every morning. It's not the physical work that's exhausting me, it's the emotional / mental work - my head never seems to switch off these days. I don't like not doing my workouts but just don't have the energy at the moment. I've taken my workout journal down for the moment.

My Prayer Plant is STILL flowering!

Very rare for these plants to flower but mine has been non-stop flowering for months now. Don't know what I'm doing but the plant obviously approves... !

I've had more work done on my tattoo...

October 21st 2011

This week's training raised a few issues for me so I took them with me to therapy. There's no resolution for them, I just wanted to talk about these issues.

When I was eleven or twelve everyone at school was given a copy of the New Testament and I decided to see if God would help me. I read a few pages of the book every night and started to pray before bed. This lasted for quite some time. I just wanted something to happen to make things better; I wanted the pain an upset to stop and prayed (literally) that by giving myself to God this would happen. It didn't. That little book was destroyed in the house fire when I was thirteen.

Another issue raised was mother's reaction to my brother telling her he had been sexually abused. She was an inpatient at the local psychiatric hospital when he chose to break the news to her. It wasn't news to me, I could see it in him anyway, but the way she reacted really got to me. The thing is, she did actually react! I had been telling her for so many years what her friends were doing to me but she did nothing about it, in fact worse than nothing as she tried turning things around and making what was happening to me my fault!! I begged her so many times not to make me go there but she resorted to emotional blackmail to make me do it. Talk about reinforcing my "I am not worth bothering with" core beliefs...

Babies don't have sex appeal
They should be treasured not sexualised
She should have protected me not further subjected me

But, life goes on and I'm doing quite well these days, in spite of my background. I have turned things around and face up to my demons. I use what I've learnt to help others who have suffered and will be able to help even more people the more I develop my skills.

Everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is not always clear at the time.

October 14th 2011

I think I may have been overdoing things again... I've been so tired over the last few days. Yesterday morning I didn't even have time to walk my boys before work as I got up too late (kept snoozing the alarm!). They had an extra long evening walk last night then I went straight to bed. I had done so well on Tuesday as I got up at 6am to make sure they had a decent walk before work as I can't take them out Tuesday evenings, then I was out until 1130pm because of my course and from then onwards I was totally shattered. I also had horrific nightmares on Weds night which didn't help at all.

I'd like to say I'll be spending this weekend relaxing and recovering, but that never seems to be the way things work out...

October 8th 2011

In addition to my year long counselling and psychotherapy course, I'm also doing a six week modular course that teaches practical skills and today we had the trauma module. I fully expected this to raise some issues due to the amount of trauma I've suffered, but the issues that were raised were not as I expected...

We had to make a list of at least five (between five and ten was recommended) traumas we had experienced and grade their severity from one to ten, with ten being the highest amount of trauma. In pairs, we had to discuss these traumas in as much detail as we felt comfortable with. The lady I was working with felt unable to talk about her most severe trauma so she started with the second one on her trauma scale... she told me how her three children had been taken into care and how she wasn't even allowed to see her daughter on her birthday. I told her I could really relate to what she was feeling because I've lost my son too... at that point I realised that wearing eye makeup this morning was not the most sensible idea as I could not contain the tears.

We then had to take ourselves back to the most severe trauma on our list and freeze it as its most traumatic point. I didn't want to use the two that I graded most severe as I'm dealing with them in therapy so I used the loss of Rhys, but I couldn't find a point to freeze frame it as I honestly didn't know which point to use.

Once we had got to our freeze frame bit we had to identify the negative thought / feeling / belief associated with that thing. Even though I didn't freeze frame, I easily identified the negative belief because it is one I often think... and that is, that Rhys is better off without me anyway. I know where it comes from as I've been doing core belief work in therapy. My core beliefs, apparently imprinted on me mainly by family and abusive experiences from birth to age seven then reinforced by negative experiences from then onwards, are that I'm no good, am not worth anything and am completely unlovable. The trouble with core beliefs is that even when your conscious mind knows they're not true, they are still there, buried in the subconscious. Mine obviously still need a lot of work.

October 2nd 2011

GIRLS NIGHT OUT!

Me... last night, girls night out! Never done it before as the whole drinking / clubbing thing really does not appeal to me, but last night we went out for a meal and it was really good; we're already planning the next one!

There were six of us and what diversity! We had a full time mum, a bookkeeper, a funeral director, a charity shop worker, a Big Issue vendor... and me. Everyone knew me, no one knew each other otherwise, but it was an amazing success.

I'm sitting here with the front door open and Heidi cat outside. She's rolling around in the sun and looking absolutely delighted. This little girl cat had a really crap start in life and has stayed here for a couple of years, but she really does need to be in a home where she can have regular outdoor access. Do any of you know of a suitable home? She's spayed, microchipped and a real sweetheart; this simply isn't the right home for her.

My latest tattoo... I'll be getting more work done on this one I think.

When I first started therapy in July I told my therapist that I was not ready to deal with what happened when I was sixteen because it is still too difficult to deal with. I wasn't expecting to actually feel ready to start dealing with it for at least a year, yet I have now started to deal with it... could be interesting; watch this space...

I have a Prayer Plant. I've had it for about eighteen years now. This plant was originally given to mother as an end of term thank you for her helping with children's reading at the school I went to. I often used to wonder why she spent time reading to other children while never having time to read with me, but that's another issue entirely... anyway, this plant was thrown into the bin when it was no longer of interest to mother and I rescued it from there; it has been with me ever since. The poor thing has suffered horribly over the years due to my cats - it's had its compost repeatedly dug out and used as a litter tray as well as being knocked over, stripped completely of it's compost and shredded by Esper cat (when she was a kitten) -

Every year this little plant has a couple of flowers. They never last long but I always took it to mean that the plant is happy despite the way my cats treat it.

Well, this year, it started flowering months ago and is STILL GOING! Flower after flower, sometimes three stems of flowers at a time, each with several flowers on - and the flowers themselves are different, rather than just plain white flowers as usual, these are mainly white but with purple and yellow too.

A few weeks ago I mentioned this plant to my therapist and he suggested the possibility that I'm attached to the plant due to its connection to mother. The very next day, it actually stopped flowering! With some extra TLC (and some special plant food!) I managed to restart the flowering process after about a week, but how strange was that?!

According to all the info I've found, these plants rarely flower. Also, according to all the info I've found, I'm doing everything wrong with regard to caring for it - but my little plant is so very happy!

I haven't done a workout for a few days... the late night on Tuesday's (for my training course) combined with an extra early morning on Wednesday's seems to be making me extra tired. Not good at all. I'll have to re-order my schedule I think. My boys need to go for a decent run every day before work as the evenings are drawing in now; I have to make them a priority so will have a rethink on how to fit everything in to my hectic schedule.

September 21st 2011

I'm at a bit of a loss over the homework I've been given for therapy, despite receiving some wonderful suggestions... this has got to be the most difficult therapy homework so far... it's just so alien to me.

I've always had to be an adult. Even as a child, I was an adult. I didn't play house, I did housework. I didn't pretend to cook in a play kitchen; I cooked real food in a real kitchen. I didn't look after a dolly; I looked after my baby brother. I was also treated as an adult sexually by lots of very sick people. I was never allowed to be childish, even when I really was a child - always responsible; it was like I was my own parent, my kid brother's parent, and mother's parent too. My inner child has never been allowed to play and have fun.

My homework is to give myself permission to play and have fun. I'm to allow myself to do things I should have been able to do as a child but couldn't, I've got to start playing and having fun.... but I don't know how. I'm actually scared to let my inner child out to play because she's the one holding all the pain and upset.

How do normal families work? What is family fun? It sure as hell isn't a parent and sibling ganging up to pick on you...

"Did you hear something?"

"I think 'it' made a noise... "

"Maybe 'it' wants something."

I remember so clearly.... I remember my tears and your laughter that followed...

I don't want to go back to childhood; childhood was nasty. At least now I can get away from people who try to hurt me. Now I can stand up for myself without getting laughed at. Now I can tell people the truth without being branded a liar. I just need to break free of these memories so I can stop you from hurting me so much.

September 19th 2011

As I was driving home from work this evening my third eye suddenly got very active then I saw a guy walking along the busiest road here. It is not a safe road to walk on and my first thought was "he's going to get himself killed walking there!"

When I got closer, I looked at him and said to Ry, "is that Jermain?" We were both certain it was this young man who I've known since he was about nine. I just couldn't let Jermain walk that road on his own so dropped Ry at home and headed back to the road to pick him up and take him home.

Now this guy looked like, was dressed like and walked like Jermain - but when he spoke he had a Liverpool accent so was definitely not Jermain! It was really freaky but the guy obviously needed help. I couldn't take him as far as he needed to go, but did take him about halfway and dropped him close to a train station so he could get a train for the rest of the way.

I hope he's OK... he didn't even have a jacket or anything and had travelled from Birkenhead today!

September 18th 2011

I started my psychotherapy training last week and as part of the session we did an exercise called, The Apple Exercise. It may not sound like much but that guided visualisation was actually very insightful...

I, as an apple, was positioned halfway up the tree in the middle of the orchard, facing towards the canal. When we were first told to picture where we were in the orchard I saw myself on the floor, but I decided I didn't like this so repositioned myself.

It was sunny but windy with a few spots of rain.

I was picked violently by a man who had many different faces.

I was transported to market on top of a box of apples on the front passenger seat of a car.

I was displayed on the back left of the apples at market.

I didn't like the idea of being bought - it made me feel anxious and angry; I am not for sale.

I was bought by an unidentifiable person and placed into a paper bag, but it was raining and the bag got wet and split open - I was free again!

The next morning, after deciding I didn't much like the idea of being an apple left to rot in the gutter, I added...

The rain got heavier and I was washed down a drain and into the sewer. From there I ended up in a field full of ponies where I was eaten before being re-seeded and growing into an apple tree of my own... awwww... what more could any apple want? :-)

It is definitely a very good thing that my regular therapy appointment is the morning after my course as the training is definitely going to raise some issues. I walked into therapy this week and said, "today we will talk about apples" and went on to have a rather intense session. My therapist, who also runs the course, actually couldn't get a word in for a change! I'm feeling a bit like a pressure cooker at the moment because there are so many deep feelings I've been suppressing, and they're now all building up ready to explode. I'll have to carefully release the pressure a bit at a time so it doesn't errupt like a volcano.

September 15th 2011

Zeus spent some time with the vet today for various tests. Thankfully nothing showed up the the ultrasound scan so there's no tumor; the blood results are expected late tomorrow.

September 12th 2011

Dear old Zeus has to have more tests on Thursday because the results of last weeks tests are indicative of a liver problem. It could be anything from a minor infection to a tumour; whatever it is, this is not good news at all. I'm very worried about my old man dog.

So... tomorrow I start a course that is at least a one year commitment, but most likely a three year or four commitment, possibly even a six year commitment that will result in me getting a doctorate. How cool is that?! Scary stuff!! LOL

Anyways. I'm off to bed now as I've got to get up at 6am so I can give my boys a decent walk in the morning (they won't get an evening walk due to my course) as well as doing my workout.

September 10th 2011

Well the bad news is that I had to buy a new gym ball... the good news is, if not for whichever cat fell off the balcony last night landing on my old gym ball, we would have had more vet bills to deal with.

Zeus had more blood taken for tests yesterday, results are expected on Monday. He's up and down, still more good days than bad, but it's awful when he's having a bad day - some mornings he just cannot get out of bed. One day at a time.

Yesterday was also Dot's funeral, it truly is the end of an era (news story). What a long day it was. We've done loads of running around today and I'm tired so have spent the last couple of hours relaxing and working on my site.

September 3rd 2011

We went to an evening of clairvoyance last night and the medium, a lady called Michaela who I've never met before, had something to tell me. She told me that I was treated very badly as a child, am my own biggest critic and need to ease up on myself. She said I need to stand up and be counted and make my voice heard. She said that the things I saw as a child were spirits coming to reassure me, that I was not and am not crazy - she said they came to me because I needed support, that they wanted to stop me suffering but couldn't. She said for me to go see her afterwards so I did...

Michaela said she saw a lot of abuse in my childhood and that there is a female who I am have a massive amount of anger towards - she said this person could have (and should have) stood up for me and stopped what was happening. She also said that my grandfather (who she did not know was dead) has been watching over me for a very long time (he died 28 years ago) and is extremely angry, not at me, but at those who hurt me and allowed me to be hurt. He's angry because he never thought things like that could happen in his family. He has been around and seen what happened but couldn't do anything about it, but apparently he is now in a position to take action and that I am to trust that those who hurt me WILL be dealt with because he will make sure of it.

She also said for me to remember that the Goddess looks after her own and that better times are to come.

September 1st 2011

September already?! Is time actually getting faster... ? Some believe it is.

Yesterday's therapy session was difficult, really difficult. I actually got in touch with some of the emotion I was unable to deal with as a child and it was horrible. Getting through the day yesterday was a real challenge - I left my desk briefly to go to the toilet and couldn't face going back in. Went outside for some air and ended up breaking down in tears when I tried to return to the office fifteen minutes later.

I am not an "it" - nor was I back then.

I am important - and I should have been back then.

My feelings do matter - and they should have done back then.

August 27th 2011

In the last couple of weeks I have...

 

... painted my nails

... created tasty food

... and been eaten by horrible bugs.

I've also signed up to train as a counsellor / psychotherapist.

In the last few days I have resumed my workout routines after taking a few weeks off. Haven't done yoga yet today (normally an early morning thing) or the workout that's due today - had a module of a psychotherapy taster course to go to - but will do both yoga and workout later today.

“Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming down-stairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.”

Stop. Breathe. Think. Understand. Change. Improve. Excel.

I have been very tense recently and feeling stressed. Maybe because I haven't been working out, maybe because work has been manic, maybe because a particular person at work is annoying the hell out of me by behaving in a way that reminds me of my mother... or maybe it's because I'm partway through dealing with the massive amount of anger I've been suppressing for most of my life. It's there, I can feel it, it's affecting everything I do... but I can't let it out. Whenever I do actually manage to tap into it, I distract myself and change direction because I cannot get my head around that fact that I am now ALLOWED to feel it! I'll get there...

August 21st 2011

Since starting therapy a lot of things have suddenly started to make sense - the invisible reasoning behind seemingly nonsensical actions is suddenly clear. No, I've not realised why I have a seemingly irrational dislike of Nissan Micra's... but I have realised how I ended up getting involved with so many guys that I wasn't actually attracted to at all.

Like so many children who are abused, I was groomed into being a good abuse subject. I knew this, but I didn't realise how deep the grooming went and how much it had gone on to affect my adult life. As I child I learned very quickly that I had to do whatever the adults and older children around me expected me to do so I didn't argue; I just went along with what others wanted me to do. Before I even reached my tenth year, I was already deeply conditioned into believing my purpose in life was to serve others - to be more specific, I genuinely believed I was only here to make men happy and look after mother. My "training" was such that whenever a guy expressed an interest, it was my duty to oblige. My happiness was not important; my needs were not important; I was not important. And in to adulthood it followed me... thankfully I now know these things are not true, but the core beliefs are still buried deep inside and still need to be rewritten - I'm a work in progress, getting stronger every day.

I have anger issues, I know I do. I keep them well hidden mostly, but they are definitely there. As part of dealing with these, my therapist says I have to focus them towards the person that caused them. Not an easy thing to do when I've spent my life being conditioned to look after mother, don't upset mother, make sure mother is always OK and to hell with how you feel... after all, I was just an unimportant child - SHE was the important one... Ooooh, OK. Maybe I can tap into those feelings after all. That's enough for now I think.

August 19th 2011

I did an online tarot reading the other day. Normally I don't give these things much credit, but this one is almost frighteningly apt...

Card 1 Represents an important element of the past

Card 1: Past Ten of Cups
The Lord of Perfected Success
Upright Interpretation

This is the end of a phase in one's emotional life. The dual potential of poison and healing are coming together to enjoy the fruits, the life. Emotions suppressed for a long time can no longer be denied, with a second sight self-knowledge will bring honesty and humility, peace and satiety. The cup is overflowing, this deep love is the union with the divine. Loving another person opens the heart to love life itself, life has meaning and purpose and a larger, brighter world appears before one's vision - the connection with our own soul. Here comes ecstasy of the reunion of the lovers, conscious union of two loving but separate partners. It is an immortal status, not only personal and sensual dimension but a spiritual one as well.

Card 2 Represents a deciding element of the present

Card 2: Present The Chariot
The Child of the Powers of the Waters
Upright Interpretation

A new beginning with ambition, will, aggression and competitive instinct, with enthusiasm and vitality moves beyond boredom and daily routine. This victory is a combination of physical, intellectual and spiritual powers and reflects the potential for both good and evil. On an inner level, the chariot is an image of the aggressive instincts guided and directed by the will of consciousness. It means to face the anger and conflict which he has invoked with his desire to possess a beautiful object, the choice of his love. It is a change to good, an introspection and this conflict cannot be avoided, but needs to be faced with strength and containment.

Triumph over adversity, overcoming life's obstacles, decisiveness and ambition in achieving one's goals. A period of struggle ending in worldly success. Working within the boundaries of one's life to build up a successful existence.

Card 3 Represents a deciding element of the the future

Card 3: Future The Heirophant
The Magnus of the Eternal
Upright Interpretation

A priest or a teacher, a "maker of bridges" who represents a wounded part of ourselves and therefore he is open to the worlds pain and longing. Suffering in ordinary life make us question and open the way to a greater understanding of the higher laws of life. He is seeking for answers of a philosophical kind and a link between spiritual and material values, an advisor, analyst, psychotherapist. Here we have responsibility, faith, idealism, knowledge and an individual vision of the spirit, which guides us as we leave childhood behind and venture out into life's challenges.

Ritual and routine, religious guidance and authority, education in its formal sense. A seeker after knowledge and wisdom. Good sound advice, teaching and constructive counsel. Marriage, partnerships and morality.

How the cards knew I was about to be offered the chance to start a training course, and that I'd accept the offer, we'll never know...

On Wednesday night I had a dream, or rather a nightmare; I get a lot of them, always have done. I think I've figured out the meaning of this one but that's of no real help... think I may need to consult some friends.

So... in my dream I was part of an exploration team, though the other team members were unfamiliar - they just seemed to be there but not really playing a part. For some reason we were digging up old graves even though we were well aware that in doing so we would awaken nasty ghosts. Sure enough, the ghosts were released and came after us (one of which was my mother... ). Not just the ghosts themselves though, they released lots of big cats that were told to attack us. But, cats being cats, they started to warm to me - once I'd tackled one and pinned it down for enforced cuddles anyway. The more the big cats came round to me, the less power the ghosts had.

In therapy on Wednesday morning, the traumas in my life were described as familiars that other issues are hidden behind. I was warned that as they are released (ghosts?) and dealt with, other issues (big cats?) would come to light that also need to be faced and dealt with. So, seems as if that dream was really just a therapy session... all I need to do now is turn my inner demons into cats and I'll be fine...

August 14th 2011

Today is Chunky puppy's first birthday; how fast this year has gone! Chunk is growing into a very well behaved and friendly Rottweiler - people often comment on how well behaved he is so it has to be true... :-)

This morning I had some unwanted and unexpected excitement... Heidi cat likes to go for a short walk outside each day. A short while after I let her out this morning, I saw her being chased along the road by a couple of dogs! I ran straight outside and shouted at the dogs just as their owner (who was well out of sight) called them. The dogs were running loose and didn't even have collars on (to have a dog out in public with no collar and ID is illegal here). Once the dogs were gone I went to look for Heidi who had thankfully managed to escape the dogs, but only by climbing up a tree! There was no way she could get back down and scared us a few times by venturing out onto narrow branches! After about twenty minutes I managed to get her down with the help of a neighbour and his ladder. Heidi was definitely a bit shaken up but I think I was in a worse state than she was! I'm so grateful that she managed to get up the tree to safety or the outcome would have been very different.

Oh heck, I just realised... I completely forgot to mention that I re-wrote the "About me" page on here! The version that had been in use since 2004 really didn't apply anymore; it just wasn't me! So, I re-wrote the page (new version can be seen here) and turned the old version into a "My history" page as that is really what it is now. I also completely redesigned my site, but I'm hoping you'll have noticed that one for yourself as it is completely different now.

Still haven't done a workout but am doing yoga every morning... :-)

August 13th 2011

Rioting, looting violence. Recently the news has been dominated by these awful events. I just don't understand what people hope to achieve by behaving in this way. Yes lots of people are unhappy, the system is corrupt and unfair, and things do need to change... but this isn't the right way to go make things better, it will just push us closer and closer to this becoming a police state and we will ALL be worse off for it.

The Government promises that everyone convicted of rioting and looting will be sent to prison, but that is not the answer! The prison system does not work; this is clearly shown by how overcrowded they already are - many inmates are repeat offenders. If the system worked, this would not happen!

It is my opinion that the rioters, perhaps criminals in general, should be made to work alongside those affected by their actions - involve them to help in the rebuilding process and let them get to know the people adversely affected by their actions. Let them see the harm their actions caused and how much unnecessary pain thats has been caused. Make them part of society instead of pushing them even further out. Help them to see that causing pain and upset is not the answer. Teach them how to value and have respect for others. We should all be looking after each other and spreading peace and caring, not lashing out and hurting those around us.

I still haven't done a workout but I have been focusing on taking care of myself. I've been cooking all of my own food and am working towards removing sugar from my diet again. This unnecessary toxin (yes, sugar IS a toxin) had slowly crept back into my diet over recent months and I had been feeling worse and worse as a result. Since I ditched the artificial crap loaded with sugars / sweeteners and I dread to think what else, I have been feeling much better.

August 7th 2011

I haven't done a workout since July 27th! That was Wednesday the week before last - I was ill in bed Thurs and Fri, resting on Sat and Sun, and have had a really bad cold since then. Normally a cold doesn't get in the way of my normal activities, but this one has really hit me hard. I suspect because I was already a bit run down as I've been feeling stressed and not eating properly since starting therapy. I really have NOT enjoyed feeling so crap so am now making more of an effort to look after myself again.

August 2nd 2011

So last night I was quietly laying in bed, nice and peaceful - well as peaceful as I could be with this darn cold bug - when out of nowhere a "mother" memory decided to jump out at me. I already know my upbringing was as dysfunctional as it gets but, since starting therapy, lots of dormant memories are being shaken about and woken up. At least this time around I will be able to lay them to rest properly instead of just pushing them down to deal with later.

The memory... I left "home" in December 1993, I was seventeen and shortly afterwards I finally felt able to report one of mother's friends for sexually abusing me as a young child. He was an Asian man called Mocbul and we used to be taken to see his family every Saturday. Mother would eat curry, drink tea, and have her fingernails cut with a razor blade by his wife. She was always in the same room when he did what he did. Whether she genuinely didn't notice or was actually turning a blind eye I will never know, but in no way can it be said to be normal for an adult male to lift a young girl onto a kitchen worktop and stand himself between her legs leaning himself right close against her. If she really didn't notice then that's a failure in itself... especially as I TWICE told her what he was doing to me.

Anyway, enough of that. The next time I saw her after the police had been out to take my statement detailing Mocbul's abuse, I told her I had reported him. The reaction was absolutely classic... What had I done? How could I embarrass her in such a way? How could she look this guy and his wife in the face again? She wouldn't be able to visit them anymore now and who was going to cut her fingernails for her now...

July 31st 2011

I seem to be getting over whatever it was that made me so ill. Still very tired and my chest is sore too, hopefully that won't develop into anything nasty! I'm being really careful not to over do things as I don't want whatever this bug was to return with a vengeance.

July 29th 2011

I'm not feeling too good at the moment, got some sort of bug that has kept me in bed for two days. Not sure if it's a bug or some sort of reaction to the opening up of all the trauma reactions that I've been holding on to for so long... guess I'll never know.

So yeah... therapy. So many thoughts in my head. I'm not just dealing with memories but also with my inbuilt self-defence mechanisms that are try to keep me safe by stopping me from dealing with things; they tell me that maybe it's best to keep suppressing the memories, maybe I'll make it worse by digging them all up again, maybe I should just leave the past in the past and move on. But these are the same mechanisms that stopped me leaving the house for so long, that stopped me standing up for myself, that stopped me from actually living my life... but I'm different now and I know not to listen to them anymore. They served a purpose at some stage but they can stop running in overdrive now, the only way I can get rid of these ghosts once and for all is to dig them up and give them a proper burial. It'll take time, it'll be hard work... but even making the decision to deal with them is such a massive step forward for me!

In recent years my life has been devoted to me making myself stronger, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and I have done amazingly well. But, unless I deal with things properly I can strengthen / develop myself no further. I'm doing what needs to be done, as I always have done, and I will be OK, as I always have been and always will be; all part of the journey.

July 23rd 2011

A wasp nest... in my garden!! Horrible things. I know they serve their purpose in the big scheme of things, but they are most definitely not welcome in my garden. I have a wasp control man coming tomorrow evening to deal with the nest - it's going to cost £45 but that will be money well spent considering the harm they could do to the animals, and to me as I'm allergic to the stings!

I've not done a workout for over a week now. Took last weekend off as I was tired, then decided to let my body rest until after therapy on Tuesday - since then I've had trouble focusing so still haven't done it. My eating habits haven't been great either - better today though, I decided to get back on track as of today and will do a workout of some sort tomorrow. Mind you, the amount of walking I've done today must count for something.

Better go rinse my hair... it's going bright red now...

July 21st 2011

So I started therapy... not sure what else to say...

I've dealt with so much already, overcome many fears and built a decent life for myself in spite of everything... but I'm now thinking that what I've dealt with already was just the tip of the iceberg.

Rocky road ahead.

July 17th 2011

The tattoo I got when I was sixteen is now completely covered up by something much nicer -

It took over two hours to finish and in the end it was extremely painful. There's no way it could've been done in one sitting, just too much work to do in one go. My arm is really sore now, feels like I've got a big burn or graze. Well worth it though!

Further to the decision I announced a week ago, I'm booked in for my first therapy session early next week. Last night I filled in a form that details early life experiences and other reasons as to why you want therapy. I condensed it down as much as I could, but there is so much that I need to go over in order to get it out once and for all. I've also decided to start writing again, as a way of recording things but also helping to process the memories and emotions that will no doubt be stirred up.

The legal processes I went through were very traumatic and brought so many memories to the surface, especially the statement I had to give - ten hours of intense questioning by a complete stranger, spread over three days. I had to dig deep, drag up all the crap I'd buried for so long, talk about it in detail... then had no support at all.

At least this time it is my choice to talk and I have strong support around me - not just the therapist himself, but also my husband and some very good friends. It still won't be easy, but the time is right to deal with it all properly.

July 9th 2011

Two more of the kittens we've been fostering have gone to their new home today. Smudge is now known as Corky and Red is now knows as Biggles (Mr Bigglesworth!). It's a wonderful home with lovely people - set back away from the road in a quiet residential area, next to a lake... no other pets (except a hamster) and mum is at home all the time as she has a disability and very limited movement as a result. She'll be much happier with the kittens around to entertain her and they're going to be very well cared for, but I still cried when I left them.

Dinx and Stripes are still here. Dinx had problems when she was spayed then had more problems afterwards; hopefully she'll be OK now though.

My new tattoo is causing waves, in a good way. So many people are commenting on how good it looks, even though it is only half done. I'm so looking forward to getting it finished next weekend!

I've made a rather major decision within the last week... yes, even mre major than my new tattoo... ! LOL I've decided to put myself back into therapy. Over the years I've worked through a lot. The various psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, etc. I've seen have been of minimal benefit to me as I wasn't ready to deal with things. At the beginning of this year I described the upcoming year as one that would be "introspective retrospective" and I was right, but I need some help on this new and frightening journey of mine. Although I have wonderful friends and an excellent support network now, the stuff in my head needs to be offloaded onto someone who has no emotional connection to me because there is some seriously nasty sh*t to work through. I don't want any more pain and suffering to be caused by my memories, there has been too much of that already; it stops here.

Rocky road ahead, but a necessary part of my journey through life.

July 3rd 2011

When I was sixteen I got my first tattoo; it was the head of a lynx with a name underneath. I'd only met the guy who paid for it, and whose name it was, the day before so it really wasn't a sensible thing to do... but I was still a kid and knew no better. Anyway... this guy went on to be the most violent and abusive person I have encountered in my entire life. The six weeks that followed were the most traumatic six weeks of my life and I still have physical and emotional scars as a result, thankfully they're nowhere near as bad as earlier years as I've worked through so much now.

The name was covered up very quickly, and finally the time has come to get rid of the whole thing! Yesterday I spent an a couple of hours at Wildstyle Tattoo Studio, an hour of which was devoted to the outline of a rather large cover up tattoo that will, when finished, completely conceal the original tattoo. It's looking amazing already, even though it is nowhere near finished.

Back in a couple of weeks to get it finished, can't wait! It's going to cost more than initially quoted due to the amount of time the design needs to do it justice, but it will be a work of art so definitely worth it.

Chunky puppy will be a year old on August 14th. I had wanted to leave him entire so his hormones would be natural, but he's been bullying Zeus a lot and even cocking his leg on him (displaying dominance). Not acceptable! Poor Zeus is an old dog and so gentle, I won't allow Chunks to bully him. So, on Friday, Chunks spent the day with a vet and had his bits removed. Here's hoping it calms things down a bit!

June 16th 2011

The house is in turmoil! Got workmen in today and tomorrow - currently got no water, electric, or gas and am hungry and need to pee! Chunky puppy is in his crate, Zeus is sticking to me like glue. Heidi, Ellie & Ellie's kittens are in the foster cat room, Esper and Howie are shut in the bedroom, and the others are out in the garden. Zeus is upset and keeps licking himself (he over grooms when he's stressed and makes himself sore) and we're all surrounded by banging and crashing and sawing... nightmare! Will be so glad when it's over! I can't even upload this update until the electric is back on so the Internet works!

Lots going on at the moment but can't focus enough to write about it with all this noise! At least we'll be warm this winter though, that is going to be wonderful!

June 11th 2011

Having lost both Kitty and Jasper recently, I decided to get something done in their memory...

I wholeheartedly recommend Wildstyle Tattoo Studio. It was a bit painful due to where I had it done, and it is really swollen now... but I'm very pleased with it.

June 4th 2011

Well the vet, on Tuesday 31st May, agreed there was nothing more we could do to help Jasper.

He was in constant pain with no hope of getting better... so it was time to let him go.

Don't rest peacefully old man cat, get busy hunting and chasing butterflies just like you used to...

Jasper cat, half Siamese complete mummy's boy
March 16th 1996 - May 31st 2011

May 29th 2011

Jasper cat has been ill for some time now. The vets have done everything they can think of to help him, but he is so sensitive to medication that all their attempts to help have made him worse. It's getting to the point now where I don't think it is fair to keep him going as he is miserable and suffering... the good days just aren't coming anymore.

I have an appointment booked for Tuesday morning and unless the vet we're seeing, I've requested a specific vet, can think of something that the others have all missed (not likely), it'll be time to let Jasper go.

Not a good year for my animals. Zeus is much happier than he was, but is still showing his age and has signs of failing joints now. Not good at all.

When the bad days out nunber the good, it's time to let go.

This weekend I am having a much needed rest. I've been so busy recently, even weekends have been non stop from about 8am to 8pm (at least!). Yesterday I woke up and didn't even have the energy to get out of bed, just so tired! I felt quite a lot better just from having a fairly relaxed day yesterday and had hoped to be back to my bouncy self today, but was kept awake for most of the night by a selfish moron revving an engine really loud, one of those with the stupidly loud exhausts. They weren't actually going anywhere, just revving the engine! It finally stopped at 530am which was when Chunky puppy decided he needed the garden... Then Amanda cat decided she needed to leave the bedroom so I had to get up and let her out. I finally got to sleep at about 545am, and woke up at 830am. Couldn't get back to sleep either! So today has been another lazy day because I haven't got the energy to actually do anything.

Oh yes, I've also dyed my hair purple... actually, did I mention my new piercings? I now have another belly piercing (top was done years ago, had the bottom done too now) and a labret piercing. Am planning another tattoo too, something that will be a memorial to the much loved furkids that I've lost over the years... all will be revealed in good time.

May 23rd 2011

All in all, things are really good right now. There are still some elements of my life that I'm not entirely happy with, but I am aware of them and know that only I have the ability to change them.

So many people spend their time complaining about things they're not happy with - they complain about things that are happening, they complain about their health, they complain about other people, they complain about things that are not happening... they waste their lives complaining about things when they could be spening that time making things better instead!

Sitting around complaining doesn't get anyone anywhere, and people who non stop bitch and moan are just not that good to be around - especially not when you're making a deliberate effort to improve your life. Surround yourself with positive people who will help you to flourish, not negative people who will only drag you down and hold you back.

May 7th 2011

Well I tried getting back to normality with regard to my workouts, but it didn't quite go to plan so I'm going to have another go.

One of my foster kittens went to his new home today, little Harvey now lives in Rugby with a lovely new mum and a ten year old boy cat. He will be very much loved and well cared for, but I still got a bit tearful when he went.

I'm feeling a bit odd at the moment... tired but energised and excited about the future. I'm working hard on getting my own business up and running so I can spend my time actually helping people, but still making a living. It is really hard work as I'm having to cram all my marketing activities and consulations in at the weekends, but it will be worth it in the end.

I'm fed up of being a drone in an office!

I'm wasted as a drone in an office!

There are so many people who need exactly the kind of help I can give them, I just need to let them know I'm here to give them that help.

April 22nd 2011

Things have slipped a bit since Kitty died, but I'm getting back to normal now.

I've just updated my workout journal to let people know what's been happening workout-wise in the last few weeks. I haven't been doing nothing, but have been gentle with myself as Kitty's death hit me hard.

Normal service to be resumed shortly...

March 27th 2011

Dear old lady cat is sleeping now. No more suffering, just peaceful sleeping.

March 25th 2011

What a week!! My dear old lady cat, Kitty, got sick so I called the vet who wanted her straight in. They put her on a drip and she's been on it since then. Finally, today, after much upset and many tears, the dear old girl has started showing signs of improvement! Basically she has a nasty cold, but is so old that it has had a very serious effect on her - they've also found an underlying thyroid problem which will mean she needs medication for the rest of her life (however long or short that may be). It's possible I may be able to bring her home tomorrow but want to make sure she's ready rather than taking her home too soon and rushing her back in.

Today is Zeus's ninth birthday and he is as full of life as he was when he was two, it's so good to see him so happy! Tomorrow I'm making him a mince beef birthday cake... spoilt, my Zeus? Maybe just a little...

March 5th 2011

I didn't apply for the below job in the end. They sent an application pack in response to my email application, but their "you must have experience in at least one of the above to get an interview" put me off as I'm not experienced in either. Oh well.

However, I was offered a new job and for a while it sounded really good... but then I did some maths and worked out how badly they planned to pay me! The idea of working ten hour days five days a week to earn just above (as in 5p above!) the legal minimum wage really does nothing for me. It may have taken me a while to figure it out but... I'm worth more than that, and I think writing the below helped remind me of that!

February 27th 2011

I just applied for a job with a local Christian group... it is perfect for me but I was put off applying before due to their person specification. They're obviously having trouble finding someone though, as it is now being re-advertised. My cover letter -

This position is perfect for me! It is exactly what I have been looking for - a job in which I will be able to do what I love, help people to grow themselves and achieve their dreams, while also earning a living.

I have worked in various industries, both voluntary and paid employment, over the years but the one constant thing has been my strong desire to help people to overcome difficulties and make something of their lives. I thrive on helping people to turn their lives around and be happy! My people management skills have been well proven by my success as a General Manager in the hospitality industry. The industry is well known for being ruthless and a far from ideal working environment, but I put my people first and between us we achieved what had been perceived (by others) to be impossible. My team always enjoyed themselves and felt valued, this showed in the amazing results we got and their day to day productivity.

My management style is one of working along side people and taking the time to show them how to do things, and carefully explaining why these things need to be done so they have a full and proper understanding. I encourage people to take pride in their work and be aware of their successes, but if things go wrong that's fine too as every experience is a learning opportunity.

I'm the kind of person everyone feels comfortable with; people often confide in me and ask for my help as they know I will do whatever I can to help in a completely non-judgemental way. I value diversity and treat everyone with the respect they deserve; the world would be so dull without the differences that are all around us!

When this position was advertised previously I requested an application pack as the advert I saw said that “people of all faiths and none” were welcome to apply. However, when the pack arrived, I was extremely disappointed to realise I was actually excluded from applying due to the successful applicant having to be willing to promote the Foundation's belief system and way of doing things. I am not a Christian and would not feel comfortable promoting anything, whether it be a product or a religion, that I do not personally believe in. I am however an amazing, loving, caring and passionate person with a genuine talent for helping people to develop themselves and achieve, if not exceed, their ambitions and I will continue to do this regardless of the outcome of this application. It would be wonderful if you were willing to let me use my skills to benefit the people you are also trying to help.

Now I will wait and see what happens... I may not even hear from them, but at least I've tried! :-)

February 19th 2011

I have been so ill this week! It is rare for me to get ill but this week I think I've spent more time in bed than out of it! Felt rough all day Tues, was OK Weds during the day but started feeling ill after food on Weds - felt even worse all day Thurs, was in bed all day Fri and am in bed now (19:56 Sat) as I feel terrible again. I haven't even really done anything today, just not been in bed and took the dogs for a slow walk. Hope tomorrow is better!

February 13th 2011

I got my nose re-pierced yesterday. Had it done originally in 1997 (way before it became so fashionable!) but had to take it out in 2004 because of work, now I've finally had it done again and I much prefer it to last time. The piercing itself was much more painful as it was with a needle instead of a gun, but I had specified that I didn't want a horrible gold stud so had to deal with the pain... he was impressed as I didn't even flinch, sure made my eyes water though!

We have guests in the spare room again...

... they'll be here for as long as they need to be, certainly a few weeks yet as the kittens are only two weeks old.

Zeus seems to be really well again! He has loads of energy! It's great!

February 7th 2011

Zeus got really ill again so had to have x-rays done to make sure the scan hadn't missed any stones in his bladder. He spent most of the day with the vets on Fridau Jan 28th and was feeling awful Friday evening and all day Saturday. I took him out with me on Saturday as I didn't want to leave him home with Chunky puppy jumping on him. Vet gave him three weeks of antibiotics and he is thankfully much better now; he's full of life and happy again - with three insurance claims in progress. He has another test on Friday 11th though I may ask if it can be put back to the following Monday as we're off work that day.

Work is well, work... it's a thing that is currently necessary. I have two very promising things in the pipeline at the moment though so we shall see... :-)

January 21st 2011

I'm having a few unplanned days off from working out. My last scheduled workout was the 18th but, as you'll see in the below entry, I was just too tired and still feeling sore from my previous workout. The next evening we spent with Ry's family as it was his dad's birthday; I went straight to bed when we got in. Then that annoying monthly thing us girls have to deal with arrived and I'm not feeling up to doing anything. Should be OK tomorrow, but have a busy day that starts with getting up earlier than usual to take my car to see auto electrician number two to try and get a couple of annoying issues fixed.

I have a job application to fill in over the weekend too... fingers crossed! The only thing keeping us both at our current workplace was having the same hours, but they've changed Ry's hours as of next week so we are now both looking for new jobs. I really want to get Transform up and running but it's going to take time.

Oh boy am I tired tonight... off to cook some dinner then get some reading done I think.

January 18th 2011

I was meant to be doing a workout tonight but am feeling really tired so decided to give myself some extra rest.

Feeling kind of... don't really know. Sometimes I feel ready to take on the world, other times I just want an easy life. Right now, I think I'm just tired.

January 16th 2011

Zeus is much better now thankfully. His medication seems to be working, even though we are none the wiser as to what caused his problem. The culture results are expected tomorrow so maybe they'll shed some light on things - I just want to know what happened so I can do whatever is necessary to stop it happening again.

I've decided it's time to change my hairstyle but am torn between three styles I like...

I think the top right is likely to grow into the bottom one so am pulled towards that... think I'll be having highlights too but not yet sure; need to talk to my hairdresser...

January 12th 2011

Zeus is very sick. He kept me up all night - poor old guy kept trying to pee but couldn't. I phoned the vet as soon as they opened at 8am and was told to take him straight in. We were only in the waiting room for a couple of minutes (as he was seen as a priority) but while we waited Zeus dribbled a small amount of urine on the floor; the blood in it was clearly visible. Doug, vet, collected some of it to test.

Zeus was kept in to have an ultrasound scan of his bladder as they suspected he may have stones. If this were the case then he would have needed surgery, but there were no stones. His urine tested clear for bacteria and crystals, but there was lots of blood in it. The scan revealed a significant thickening of his bladder wall and debris; they're also concerned about how much weight he's lost so took some blood to test.

Doug just phoned - blood tests are OK, still waiting on other results (cultures) that won't be in until next week... can collect him after 1pm. He's got anti-inflammatories to start on tomorrow, got the OK to start his thyroid pills tomorrow too (didn't today as he was so sick) and vet says to take him back if I have any concerns at all.

January 5th 2011

This morning's Facebook status -

"Today is my son's fifteenth birthday... instead of being sad while thinking how long it's been since his dad took him away from me, I will think about the good times we had and feel happy. At least I know that the love I showed him and things I taught him will stay with him as he grows; we will always be connected."

It has been difficult to stay as positive as I wanted to today, but I still feel a lot better than I have in previous years.

Zeus saw the vet today and had blood taken so his thyoid levels can be checked. He has a few symptoms that on their own are nothing, but brought together seem to point at hypothyroidism. If the tests confirm what is suspected then Zeus will have to be on medication for the rest of his life, but the quality of his life will be much improved so definitely worth doing.

Jasper cat has me on an emotional rollercoaster. His health has been a worry for some time but, despite extensive tests, the vets cannot identify the problem. On a good day he's OK, but on bad days I wonder if it is fare to keep him going. The last couple of weeks have all been bad days for the poor old guy and I had planned to speak to the vet about him today, but last night he started picking up and today is really bright. Fingers crossed it lasts.

January 3rd 2011

In two days time my son turns fifteen; I haven't seen him since he was nine and his dad moved away without telling me where to. Usually at this time of year I am a mess... I've placed my regular birthday notice in the newspaper that covers the area he is in, that is all I can do, and I have had some tears in recent weeks, and associated nightmares. But, on the whole, I am feeling much better than I have done in previous years. It is obviously getting to me as I keep catching myself with my teeth clenched and am getting headaches, but definitely much improved.

January 1st 2011

One of my friends on Facebook posted a status asking how is the best way to start a new year. My response was, "full of optimism and hope, looking forward to new adventures". This is how I am starting 2011.

I have decided this will be a good year.

There are things in my past that still cause me pain, but only when I allow my thoughts to drift back to them...

~ from now on, my thoughts will be focused on the here and now, or the future.

There is a massive amount of negativity in the world, it is so easy to be consumed by the negativity surrounding us...

~ from now on I will focus on the many positives surrounding me rather than allowing the negatives to eclipse them.

There are still a lot of things in this life that I want to achieve, it's easy to become disheartened when thinking about how far I still have to go...

~ from now on I will celebrate how much I have achieved instead of holding myself back by focusing on how far I still have to go.

There are many things I would like to have that currently seem out of reach. It is easy to get bogged down by dwelling on how much I don't have...

~ from now on I will focus on appreciating all that I do have; it is a lot to appreciate.

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